Chapter Eight: The Longest Staircase in Scotland is at Taymouth Castle, Seriously

I followed Brenda into the entry hall and looked up with amazement. "Holy Smokes Bren! Look at that staircase." She walked to the bottom stair and looked up. "Yes, it's the longest staircase in Scotland. It goes up all four floors and is over one hundred feet to the top." I could barely make out the ceiling and my old bones were repelled by the thought of climbing it, but I admired it just the same, "Your own personal Hogwarts!" She turned and gave me a blank look. "What's that?" I just shook my head. Reading wasn't her strong suit. I peered in the other rooms and saw everything was covered and huge piles of carpets and lumber were stacked against the wall. "What are you doing with all this Brenda?" She walked to the edge of the mess and said, "The remodel starts Monday for the retreat center. Well, not really remodel but more restoration work. That's why I want to go to Thailand. I don't even want you to see your room until it is finished. Let's pop down to Kenmore village and stay at the Inn and fly out to Thailand tomorrow. Director Higgins told us to take a vacay. "You're right. We've got five good years left to skulk around your castle but we've been talking about going to Thailand since 2005 when you lived in Hawaii. I'll make the arrangements."

Chapter Seven: Taymouth Castle, Hotel/Secret Service Headquarters

I looked at her with astonishment, "You just got a castle and you want to go to Thailand?!" She looked at me and replied, "I'll show ya around, but it's cold here in November and I want to warm up." I looked at her with my sad face and sad, "You know, I still feel bad about Botswana. I've been dying to go there since I read Alexander McCall-Smith's series, The First Ladies Detective Agency, in 2005, and I didn't even get to shop or visit my friends there I met online or enjoy the Okavango Delta. I hate the fact I was there and held hostage by Mr. WOW. Being kidnapped stinks." Brenda took my hand, "I know. I hate it when that happens." The float-plane came to a stop and Nicky, Micky, Ricky, and Kimo hopped out and grabbed our gear. The long black limousine looked out of place at the end of the tiny dock of Kenmore Scotland. "Hey Gretch, you'll love this, look." I looked past her and up close I could see the top of the limo was covered in sleek form-fitting solar panels. Kimo held the back door for me and then piled in with his brothers. As we slowly pulled out I could hear heavy breathing. Brenda started laughing, "It's a giant pedal car! 100% environmentally correct." Sure enough, when I looked over the last seat, I could see the huge Samoans pedaling like crazy to get the car up the hill. "That was pretty smart of Lord and Franklin Automobiles to retrofit all the cars and SUVS as pedal cars but I guess when gas hit $20.00 a gallon in 2015 they didn't have much choice. But I didn't know they retrofitted limos too!" I said. Brenda looked at the cute shop windows as we went by. "And what about when President Washington gave everyone that got fixed a thousand dollars each back in 2016? Our population stabilized in a heartbeat and when she made guns illegal everyone felt safe enough to go walk around again." I nodded my head in agreement, "Yes, but when she ended the space program and had the NASA team work on solar and wind power, it cut everyone's taxes in half. I think that was what made her most popular. Plus, did you ever think we'd see a woman president in our lifetime? Especially a black woman?" Brenda looked at me and smiled, "No, but I'm glad we did. Now that we are down to our last five years on the planet I won't feel so bad when we check out." I didn't hear what she had said because the huge Taymouth castle had come into view and I was in a total frenzy to explore it. I began bouncing up and down in my seat and Brenny's crew looked back at me with amusement. "Look!" I shouted as the deer placidly ate the grass on what looked like a golf course. "You have deer in your front yard! How can people play golf?" She looked out her side window and said, "Golf is so bor-ing. I took that out and made the golf cart road a bike path. The paving crew will be in next week to install the roller skate path next to it. Do you think I need a moat?" I shook my head, "The Secret Service will never pick up that tab Brenny and you know it!" She just laughed, "They don't have to. My book, Two Hundred and Fifty Steps to Reach Your Inner Kumbaya is in it's seventeenth printing. I'm having the castle remodeled next week for a RIK250 conference center. People from all over the world want to reach their inner kumbaya Gretch. Especially the baby boomers like us that want to hedge their bets besides Jesus." I shook my head, "Man, when you learned how to keep secrets you didn't mess around! I'm so proud of you." The limo stopped and I ran up the stairs to find a tuxedoed butler with a tolerant smile greeting me. "Mrs. Nixon, I presume?" He said with an English accent. Brenda bounded up next to me. "This is Alistair. He came over from London to run the house. Nice huh?" I looked up at the older gentleman and smiled, "Yes, I'm Mrs. Nixon. Nice to meet you."

Chapter Six: Brenda's Scottish Castle

The sound of dull thunder made me look up and I could see it was a sleek, black float plane making all that racket, not the weather. The sign on the side read VISIT Taymouth Castle! The smaller letters read: Kenmore Scotland Air. Brenda jumped up and shouted, "There's our ride!" Molly and Brendan rose and walked us up to the castle and waited in the foyer as we grabbed our backpacks. "Thanks for everything Molly." I said as I hugged my lifelong friend. I shook Brendan's hand and said, "See you again soon." Brenda said her good-byes and we walked down to the castle lake and were greeted by five giant uniformed Samoans, lined up shoulder to shoulder. They looked huge in their tight white polo shirts and navy shorts. Rippling muscles all over the place. "Hey Gretch, meet my private staff." My eyebrows receded into my scalp in surprise as she went on, "This is Nicky, Ricky, Micky, Tavita and Kimo." I shook hands with them and while they began loading our luggage below I admired their fine straight teeth and wavy black hair. Nicky and Ricky climbed into the cockpit of the ten seater and started the engine. Behind a bulkhead wall, Brenda and I sank into the buttery leather brown armchairs with Mikey, Tavita in the rows behind us. Kimo pulled the door shut and we taxied down the lake for lift-off. "What the heck?!" As I looked out the window I could see Molly in her white dress waving at us from the front steps of Dromoland Castle. Brenda just laughed, "The secret service told me I could hired whatever agents I wanted so I picked out Samoans. What, you don't like Samoans?" I peeked around the bulkhead at Nicky and Ricky. "Of course I like Samoans. Who doesn't? But why did they give you a staff and not me?" I said with a touch of puny jealousy in my voice. "Think about it Gretch, you are always getting into trouble, but the secret service wants to to travel solo to keep a low profile. As your back up team coordinator, they pretty much give me free reign along with my government VISA card. When they made me pick five team members out of a pool of one hundred agents, I decided that brothers would be fun. They are two years apart in age and Nicky is the oldest at thirty. They are smart, strong and loyal, plus they look good in the castle uniforms." I pinched my forearm to make sure I wasn't dreaming. This job kept getting better and better! "Wait, what castle?" I looked at her big smile. "You know how the service thought my cover of being a woo woo yogi leader in Sedona was a perfect cover? I got a registered letter last year that said I was the last living descendant of Sir Colin Campbell of Glenorchy and I inherited Taymouth castle. Remember how my grandmother was adopted and we could never find out her history? Well, when the last Campbell died, they found me. You'll love it. I knew when the mail was postmarked Kenmore Scotland that it was a sign. After all those years of studying The Course in Miracles, I got one. A miracle." She turned to look at the green land below us. "Wait, what?! You inherited a castle?! Don't tell me you didn't tell me!" I felt outrage at this deception by my best friend. Plus I wondered how much a float plane cost and if her secret service credit line was higher than mine. "Oh calm down, Gretch. You're the one that taught me how to keep secrets. The secret service was thrilled because Brendan O'Brien has been charging them an arm and a leg for rent on our headquarters over in Ireland." I looked out the window and could see white rocks arranged on a green hillside saying, "Welcome to Kenmore." I said, "I'm sorry I'm such a pill Brenny. Thanks again for saving my life in Botswana." She chuckled at me and replied, "Castle smastle, let's head to Thailand for vacay."

Chapter Five: The Irish Dungeon

Despite our brilliant idea to use only one flashlight at a time after the light bulb had burned out, darkness was coming. I could no longer walk the floor looking for a way to escape and now I knew the images would come to haunt me. Snakes, rats, zombies. "Brenda, sit back to back on this rack table with me." Her flashlight began to flicker and she climbed up and provided a warm but bony backrest. "You starting to get scared Gretch?" She said. We'd been been best friends for sixty years. She knew I was afraid of the dark, snakes, rats and zombies. Not to mention my claustrophobia. "Yeah, you know I am." Darkness. My breathing became labored as all my phobias kicked in. "How about a few show tunes Brenny? God knows when Molly will notice us missing, especially if she has a few drinks." Brenny started singing show tunes. She knew my childhood favorites and I was always amazed she could remember the words from Carousel, Sound of Music, Porgy and Bess plus all cheery Mary Poppins songs. After an hour she stopped singing and said, "Too bad you don't have your ham radio with you." My mind popped open. Why didn't I think of it sooner! "Oh my God Brenda! You're a genius! Now just hop down take a brick and pound out the Morse code. There has to be someone that will here it." I could feel her hop down and hear her rummaging for a brick. God she was brave. I could imagine the rats crawling over her feet in my mind. "Okay, now just walk to the outer wall where the sound will reverberate and whack it hard three times, then scrape it three times and then whack it three more times. She did as I asked over and over for a half hour. "My arms are tired Gretch, I need a break." She climbed back up and we rested back-to-back. We had been sound asleep for an hour when the loud creaking of the door woke us up. "What the hell?! There you are! I swear to God you two haven't changed in fifty years!" Molly was holding a huge flashlight and swaying a little and Brendan, her handsome sixty year old husband came over and gallantly helped us off the rack to the floor. "I thought you had gone into the village to shop but when you didn't come back I had all the staff looking for you. I fell asleep and Brendan said he heard a tapping noise and it occurred to me as nosy as you two are you might come look at the dungeon. Come on, it's five AM, you probably want a shower and some sleep." I followed the flashlight out the door where the blessed electric lights lit the staircase up like a tavern. "Thank God you heard us Brendan. I really appreciate you finding us. It wasn't as bad as hanging from the ski-lift in Telluride for four days in 2012, but it was getting close. After a nice shower and nap we joined Molly and Brendan for lunch back out on the patio. I looked at Molly's handsome young husband who at sixty still sported a full head of fluffy white hair. She always did know how to pick them. "Tell me about yourself Brendan,and don't leave anything out." He smiled and sipped his Chardonny and began, "I was born and raised in the village and went to Oxford business school for a degree in hotel management and came back to manage the castle. When Global Rest started buying up UNESCO historic sites in 2015, they bough the castle and when they found out I was a descendant of the original O'Briens, they wanted to keep me on as manager. It seemed odd that Global West wanted to keep one tower for use of ISLA members only, but they were adamant about it so only your members can get in. My wife died five years ago and when Molly came last month to work for me that was it. She is the most refreshing person I ever met. She is beautiful, funny, brutally honest and she sports that adorable American." Molly blushed as he leaned over and spoon-fed her a chocolate covered strawberry. Brenda winked at me and said, "Well, this is lovely place but we do need to get going. I want to show Gretch my new place in..."

Chapter Four: Ireland, The Land of No Snakes, Molly's Castle

The feather bed surrounded me like a cloud and I refused to wake up. An hour later, a voice rang in my ear, "Gretchen, get the hell up!" My eyes fluttered open and there was Molly. Good for her, she gets to die her hair, I thought jealously. I smiled as she started yanking the quilts and sat up, excited to see my friend and anxious to hear the news from back home. What luck that the Secret Service had bought the Dromoland Castle when the owners couldn't keep up on the taxes. What a coincidence that Molly had seen the part-time accountant job on the internet and flown to Ireland, only to be swept off her feet by Brendan O'Brien. The ancestor of Tanist Murrough O'Brien had been hired to manage the hotel nestled in the foothills of Ireland. His passion for fishing the Fergus and Shannon rivers was only eclipsed by his vision of Molly in her hip-waders on her first day off. "So, Molly, how is castle life treating you?" I said. She smiled and said, "Duh, whaddya think girl?" "I need coffee." I said as I slipped on my pink Nike flip flops. She turned through the doorway and we sprinted down the winding staircase to the back patio. I sat down and the handsome young waiter rushed over with covered chaffing dishes and began lifting the tops. He poured my coffee and I looked at the view of the lake and maze. Molly was seated across from me and said, "How was Russia? Did you have fun at the librarian convention?" I was busy piling eggs benedict, lox and bagels, sausages, bacon, scrambled eggs and hash browns on my plate and looked up, "Oh it was a great convention. The International School Librarian Association really knows how to put on a show. The Russians are so smart and warm and friendly, I made lots of new friends." "Um, Gretchen, if you were at a librarian convention, how come you were in the hospital for two days?" I fingered the stitches that ran from the top of my nose and across the top of my cheek. Cool, my grand-kids would love that scar but my sons would have a fit. "I was at the Saint Petersburg zoo and got too close to the baboon cage. Did you know they can be very dangerous?" She looked at me skeptically but just smiled. She knew I had a bad habit of lying like a dog in the sun. "So, any word from Brenda? I know she lives not to far from here." I heard a yell from the maze below and saw a big floppy hat being waved over the top of the boxwood wall. "Oh Gretchen!" "You're up!" I swallowed my eggs benedict and stood up and yelled, "Brenny! When did you get here?" She bounded up the stairs, trim and fit as ever and came over and hugged my shoulder, luckily the uninjured one. Molly looked at us, "Say girls, I have to go fishing. I'll see you later okay?" We looked at each other and Brenda winked at me. "We'll be fine. Just gonna look around the library for a few hours." The only person that could out-lie me! She hadn't read a book in decades! "Have fun Molly and thank Brenda for the free rooms." I finished my breakfast and led Brenda up to my room in the turret. I put the Do Not Disturb sign on the doorknob and locked the door. I went over the ancient built-in bookcase and pulled out the ratty copy of "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" and the wall swung open silently. We turned on our penlights and descended the old stone stairs built for servants hundreds of years ago. I held my hand to the biometric lock pad and the door slid open. It was bright and modern in the secret laboratory, and I looked at all the beakers and containers with interest as I passed to the recessed floor of the amphitheater. Plus fabric-covered recliners in rows of four went down the floor in three rows. I plunked my big bottom in one and Brenda sat next to me. She placed her hand on the biometric pad and the ten by twelve foot screen began to flicker. Instantly Director Wiggins was frowning at me. "Gretchen, what was that in Russia? President Murray is all over my ass!. You know she insists on saving humanity!" I looked up and could see the others on the conference, including myself in the foot square boxes going across the top of the screen. "I don't know who tipped off that thin man! Who is he anyway?!" I said. "I'm surprised you're alive. William O. Williams is the best in the KGB and Borris Farloft rarely makes a mistake, he is bad to the bone you know. My mind wandered for a second and I wondered if William's middle name was Oscar and then the song, Bad to the Bone, began playing in my head. Kathy stared at me intently, "I'd like to know how they got the guns. Since FEMA and NATO took for a year in 2017 and bought back all the guns and shut down the manufacturing plants, it's now a crime against humanity to own guns outside the police. Download your report as soon as you can. You have two weeks off before your next assignment. Stay safe until then." I said good-bye to the black screen and listened to the soft strains of "Hey Hey We're the Monkeys." I looked at Brenda, who was slunk down in her chair with her eyes closed. "Did you hear all that?" I asked. "Yeah, yeah. Two weeks off!" Her yes popped open and she said, "Hey, Molly is remodeling the dungeon and since we are in basement five, let's go up a floor and check it out." I rose from the chair, stiff but happy having a vacay and followed her out the door. We climbed the stairs up a floor and opened the unlocked door. What a mess! Sawhorses and metal-working tools were strew between the rack and terrible-looking cages dangling from the ceiling. "Awe geez Brenny. This is giving me claustrophobia." I said. She was busy laying on the rack and monkeying around with the wrist-wraps. "Hey Gretch, my back is stiff, give me a few turns. I smiled at her and crossed to the door instead, giving it a jerk. "The door's locked." I crossed to the door we'd entered and pulled on the handle. Locked! "Brenny, were locked in and it's Saturday. The workman probably are off until Monday!" As she climbed off the table the overhead bulb began to flicker. "Good thing we have our penlights." She said as the overhead light went out. I climbed up on the rack table and asked, "Do you think they have rats in here?" She aimed her beam along the walls and said, "Sure they do Gretch! But no snakes!"

Chapter Three: Escape From Botswana

As I slowly came to, the sun seared my forehead and large drops of sweat rolled down my checks and into my eyes. I looked at the feet and legs in front of my face. Two sets of shiny black knee-high boots topped with olive green slacks. The tall thin man was sitting on a camp chair now, leaning over so his arms were resting on his knees. His long fingers were elegant and well-manicured. "Mrs. Nixon" He said in clipped British tones, "Why were you filming the technology titles in the Saint Petersburg public library?" I had to stop and think. The drugs they had given me still made me groggy. I needed to stall for time so I could clear my head, "I had finished at the ISLA convention and thought it would be fun to use this trick camera I bought at a San Francisco novelty shop." His whip lashed my face and I felt blood trickling down my neck. The pain was intense. My eyes widened at the riding crop in his hand. "Wrong answer!" He yelled in my face. "Borris, give her the injection." He narrowed his dark blue eyes and leaned over inches from my face. "Mrs. Nixon, we have ways to make you talk." The short, stocky man next to him raised a needle filled with an amber liquid and snatched my wrist with surprising strength. He roughly pushed up my sleeve and jabbed the needle into the crook of my arm. Oh God, not sodium pentothal. My cover would be blown for sure. "Mrs. Nixon, where were you born?" I looked at him as he became fuzzy and out of focus. "Seattle General Hospital, November 10th 1956." His wide, thin smile reminded me of a crocodile waiting for lunch. "Name your president please." I felt better now and had the sensation of floating. "Doctor Seuss." I said. The whip cracked at my shoulder but I didn't feel pain now. "This is no joke Mrs. Nixon!" He screamed in my face! "Who do you work for?!" I told him the truth. "I work for Lucky Santangelo out of Las Vegas, and my partner is Kinsey Millhone." The drugs had me confused and I began babbling, "The snakes of Botswana have three types of venom, cytotoxic, neurotoxic and hemotoxic." The secretary of state is Norman Neumar." "Boris! Let me see that needle!" He grabbed the empty needle and his eyes widened with disgust. "You fool! You filled the horse inoculation needle! She has four times the amount of truth serum needed and is making no sense!" He stood abruptly making lovely shade and then stalked off to the house, his stomping feet creating mini-dust storms. He shouted over his shoulder, "You have until midnight to tell us the truth. After that, the cages are opened and the nets below the Bootslangs are cut!" "Ludmilla, the minute the sun goes down we need to get out of here." I whispered. Her fingers tapped mine lightly from the other side of the tree. "Yes, we need to go!" She said. As the truth serum decreased, my discomfort increased. my old aching bones were protesting and large flies walked the dried blood on my cheek and shoulder. Finally, the sun lowered in the sky and twilight arrived. That gave us about four hours until our friends returned and we became snake chow. "Ludmilla" I whispered, "reach your wrists towards mine so I can cut your ropes." I felt her hands over mine and I said softly, "The edges of my cuff buttons are razor blades, rub your ropes over them." She was fast and next thing I knew she was untying me. I jumped to my feet and started running into the jungle with my friend on my heels. We ran along in the darkness for a half hour until I hit something soft and fell on my butt. "Umph!" Hands grabbed us in the darkness and strong hands clamped over our mouths. I was pulled to my feet. "Geez Gretch, watch where you're going will ya?!" The lump on the ground came up and I was embraced in a tight hug. I knew it was Brenda and was glad we had attended the Secret Service ninja classes together in 2020. I pushed out of the embrace and shouted, "We can make out later dude! We gotta get the heck out of here! These guys mean business!" She clapped her hands and the black-clad team formed a line before and after us. Headlamps flipped on and we began running again. A whistling sound sailed past my right ear and I felt a stinging sensation like a yellow jacket sting. Hands pushed me down a slippery bank and I could see the dimly lit float plane only forty feet away. Now I could hear dogs barking and men shouting. The whistling had turned into a roar as machine guns were trained in our direction. I scrambled to the stairs and hurled myself inside the plane. The engines roared to life and we began to lift off. I smelled smoke.

Chapter Two: Botswana Hostage Situation With Snakes

My neck hurt and my butt was sore. I slowly came to and my heart nearly stopped. Snakes! The big cage was only a few feet away from my feet but I could see it was teeming with Puff Adders. My wrists seemed to be raw from the from the rough ropes that bound me to a small tree. The hot morning sun was rising and I looked up. Bootslangs! Dozens of them. They dangled precariously in a net above my head and I knew I was in Botswana. Home to over sixty species of snakes, twelve of which are the most venomous on earth. I turned my stiff neck to the right and saw the luxury house with deck perched on the edge of the lake. I whispered loudly, "Ludmilla, are you there?" I could feel a feel warm fingers touch mine behind me against the tree, "Yes, I'm here Gretchen, we must have been kidnapped." I rotated my head slowly to the left and saw another large cage. Of course. Black Mambas. Their thick, shiny bodies writhed in their cage. Masses of beady eyes and pink tongues eager to find me with their long fangs. My head started to spin from fright and and I began to black out again. "Don't worry Ludmilla, Brenda will save us." Soft footsteps approached and I looked up at the tall thin figure. He was outlined against the bright sun so that I couldn't see his face. "Oh thank god mister,you came to save us!" I think we have been kidnaped!" A large hand gun was raised to my face and the spinning in my head increased...

Chapter One: Russian Information Mission

I slowly followed Ludmilla across the library to the electronic catalog system and sat down next to her. I entered my phony library access card number and was in the system. As long as I didn't speak, I knew the mission would be a success. At seventy-five years old I had been an undercover librarian for ten years. God how it pained me to quit coloring my hair and now that I could easily afford a face-lift, President Washington had forbid it. The cold war was getting to be a distant memory for most Americans. The new hidden war was all about information and as an old lady, I was the perfect operative. As I put my reading glasses on and began to surf the system, I could hear the heavy footsteps behind me. Oh God, not the librarian! I said to myself, "Smile and nod. Smile and nod." She came behind me and I looked up and smiled and dug in my pocket for my phony ISLA card. She barraged me in Russian and I nodded vigorously. I noticed she was my age and longed to make a date for some hot tea later and look at photographs of her grandchildren. My young Russian translator took over and I began breathing again with relief. Ludmilla quietly and quickly explained that I was mute and started translating. "She wants to know how she can help you Verushka. Shall I tell her the standard line?" I smiled and nodded at Ludmilla and at my Russian counterpart. She motioned me to the section of the library for children and I followed her smiling down at a copy of, "One Fish, Two Fish" in Russian. I recognized it by the bright blue cover, fish and picked up the book, smiled and waved the librarian off. Ludmilla came up behind me and whispered in my ear, "She wants you to join her for later to hear about the Eastern Russia library system, but I told her we were flying back home to Vladivostok tonight." I whispered back, "Nice job." As I had entered the library, I had cased the joint thoroughly and spotted the technology section near the section for kids. I now gradually made my way to that area. I pressed the petal on my fake flower broach and my hidden camera began filming the titles. The latest gadget was soundless and accurate, ready for download when I returned to the Secret Service section of the Library of Congress. My stomach growled but I did my job. I was getting hungry and looking forward to the flight home on the Secret Service jet. I knew the food would be exquisite. It was a complete fluke that in 2010, Melinda Gates began the war against human extinction. Male world leaders did not come on board until 2020, and by then the climate changes could no longer be ignored. The riots for clean water had soon followed. I was in the right place at the right time to support the American government in the race to save the world. Every world leader now wanted to be the hero to end overpopulation and global environmental degradation and I was called upon for my limitless information gathering skills. President Washington, the sassy, black, first woman president was only funny and sweet on the outside, inside she was fierce and would do anything to be the global leader to win the war to save the world. As our limo pulled up to the airstrip, all I could think about was the juicy rib-eye steak and baked potato smothered in everything the staff could think of. Our Lear jet sat gleaming white and shiny in the late afternoon sun. Suddenly, a screech of tires ...