Chapter Eleven Sumatra and Malaysia After Jail Break

My hands were slipping from the bars and my geriatric batwings quivered in the wind. I felt strong hands on my forearms hoisting me into the helicopter and hoped my bad elbow would hold. I was dragged inside and unceremoniously dumped next to Brenda on the floor next to the open door. Wind rushed through the chopper as we lifted straight up. “Oh my god Micky! Thank you for saving us! It was horrible, we almost had to clean!” I said with relief. “No problem Mrs. Nixon, we came as fast as we could on the lear and rented this chopper in Sumatra. It will take about an hour to get back there.” I looked at the wide, brown Samoan face and was glad Brenda had hired them. They were so agreeable AND strong. He and Nicky helped us up into the seats and fastened our seatbelts. He slid the door shut and my vertigo began to subside. Brenda looked at me, “Um, our vacay in Thailand didn’t work out too well. Next time leave your calcium and cranberry supplements in the original containers like I told you.” I looked at her sheepishly and a small smile was all I could produce as I said, “BUT, we did have eight hours of massages BEFORE we landed in prison.” Then I fell asleep. The landing was like going down in an elevator that started at 5,000 feet and my stomach dropped like a rock. I could see the black Lear jet at the end of the runway with the door open and stairs down. Micky and Nicky jumped out and helped us down from the high chopper door and as I walked to the jet I couldn’t help but smile at Brenda, “Well that’s all over. We can rest at Belum Eco resort a few days before work. We still have twelve days of vacay left.” Brenda looped her elbow through mine and Said, “Happy Birthday Gretch! You know I’ll be seventy-five for another year.” I puckered my lips in a grimace, “You have been reminding me that I’m eleven months older since 1972! Well, as long as we’re together, that’s all that matters.” We climbed into the Lear with Ricky at the controls and buckled up for the short hop to the airstrip near Belum Eco Resort. I could see the man-made lake below and a few house-boats dotting the water. As we landed, a jeep pulled up and a short, balding red-headed man walked up and stuck out his hand, “Mrs. Nixon, Ms. Vanderhoff.” He said with a serious face, “I’m Simon Fledgely, with Interpol. We have a situation that we need your help with.” Our eyebrows went up and we stared at him and followed him over to a houseboat. I could see Director Higgins in the doorway and she wasn’t smiling. Ugh. In trouble again. “Hello girls,” she said with a tiny smile at the corners of her lips. “I can’t even send you two on vacation without an international incident it seems. I had to send Sven Svenson, the top Secret Service chemist, to Thailand to prove to the authorities at the prison that you were not drug smugglers. I decided to take a vacation here at Belum Eco Resort while we were sorting things out. Then Simon called me and wanted to “borrow” you for an Interpol problem.” I followed her, Simon and Brenda into the houseboat and sat down on the white wicker couch after them. Simon cleared his throat, “May I call you Gretchen?” He said with a British accent. I tried not to stare at the amazing amount of freckles he was sporting as I nodded my head. “Interpol has always worked with the American Secret Service and we need to hire you if you are willing to help us with an international incident that is unfolding that we are trying to keep quiet. A United Emirates 777 was flying from London to Abu Dhabi went it hit turbulence and the captain hit his head and got partial amnesia. He landed in Greece and refuses to come out of the cockpit until his mother arrives. Bartholemew Black is from Bozeman Monatana originally and after a stint as Top Gun in the navy, he was hired to fly for UE. Unfortunately for us, his mother passed away five years ago. Our Interpol global face recognition program came up with your face. We’d like you to fly to Greece and try to reason with him, pretend you’re his mom.” I nodded at him and looked at Brenda. “What do you think?” She smiled and said, “Are you kidding me?!” She exclaimed, “I’ve been wanting to Greece since I saw Meryle Streep in “Moma Mia! I think we should go!” I was still a little groggy from my nap over from Sumatra and needed to clear my head. “Simon, do you think Brenda and I could take a quick walk before we discuss this further?” He nodded and Brenda and I walked down the dock that the houseboat was tied to. We saw a trail leading into the tropical bamboo forest and I could hear the sound of a waterfall in the distance. “So, how soon do you think they will want us to go?” I said to Brenda’s back as I followed her down the trail. “Probably soon Gretch. Say, I hear a waterfall, let’s take this shortcut through the bamboo and take a look.” I could feel the ground beginning to slope and next thing I knew we were sliding down a steep muddy incline. After a twenty foot drop I looked at Brenda, who was sitting in a small muddy pond next to me. I spit out mud and wiped it out of my eyes. As I looked around, I heard it before I saw it. “Uh oh” Said Brenda. A huge tiger was at the top of the slope growling at us.

Chapter Ten: Escape to Sumatra Using a Joint Replacement GPS Secret Compartment

I walked back into our cell and took a good look at it. It was about three feet wide and nine feet long. There was a small hole at the back and a dripping fawcett. My claustrophobia kicked in and I sat down on my mat. I didn’t remember putting on a light blue prison blouse or navy blue prison pants. I looked at Brenda’s unsmiling, expectant face. “So is Terry going to post bail or what?” She said. I looked at her sadly, “I don’t know, when I told him we were in Phuket, the line went dead.” Her eyes widened, “I TOLD you a hundred times! It is Pronounced Phookay!” “Oh my god!” She wailed. That didn’t work out too well for me so I said to the lady next to me, “So tell me your life story and don’t leave anything out.” She smiled at me like I was one stupid kid and began, “My name is Maureen Douglas and I have been here since 1987. I’m from Australia and I was a waitress at the Sydney opera house deck patio when I heard how easy it was to smuggle heroin out of Thailand to Sydney. I saved up for six months for airfare and came over and made my buy from the same guy Nola Blake did and next thing I know, I’m here in prison. She was scheduled for the firing squad but her family got a good lawyer and she got out after eleven years. I don’t even know how old I am but I was born in 1960. Their calendars are different than ours. Sad thing was, wasn’t a junkie like Nola. I just did it for quick cash so I could take acting lessons. I wanted to be a star. Now I just get up at the 5:30 whistle and work in the sewing room until bedtime at 7:00 PM. That’s when they lock us in for the night. No family, no lawyer.” I shook my head in disbelief, “Well, I’d like to stay but I have claustrophobia and I have to go now. Tomorrow’s my birthday.” Maureen laughed and tossed her short white curly hair. “Right, and I’m the queen of England” She said. “Say, if you need fresh air you can come with my cleaning crew in the morning. We’re scrubbing the Mae Fah Luang bridge in the morning for the Loy Krathong festival.” “Bren, say good-bye to Bam Bat Phiset” I looked at her and nodded down at my knees. “Remember that knee replacement I had last year? I got more than titanium baby.” I looked around the cell and saw a pile of Maureen’s belongings in the corner and leaned over and picked up an old black plastic knife. I carefully followed the outline of my knee-cap to the edge where the skin was thin. Darn, I had lost my reading glasses at the Full Bucket party somehow. I slowly cut the thin skin from the top and sides of my knee. The pain was unbearable, but I bore it like a soldier or mother-to-be too stupid for an epidural. “I opened the thin silver door to my GPS and entered: ETD 19.90882 and 998.83454 0700, Chopper. ETA 13 d 15’ 50” N 100d 33’ 14” E.” Brenda’s eyes widened. “Did you take an advanced course I missed from the Secret Service? What was that?” I left my pant leg up so the blood could dry. “Why yes I did! I took advanced GPS artificial joint tracking 101 while you were busy writing your book. It was SO hard! For the final exam we had to memorize all the coordinates for our area of interest. Lucky for us I took the Southeast Asia exam. I just contacted Ricky to pick us up at the Mae Fah Luang bridge tomorrow morning at seven AM.” Maureen shook her head, “What are you two anyway? Some kind of international spies?” We both looked at her seriously and nodded. The door opened again and the guard pointed at Brenda and motioned for her to follow him. She was back in fifteen minutes with a long, sad face. At my questioning look she said, “Tommy said he was in the middle of a hand and he’d call back.” She slumped back down on the floor on her mat again. I was dreaming I was snorkeling in clear blue water when the 5:30AM whistle sounded. I rolled over on my knees and pushed myself to my feet and followed Maureen and Brenda to the breakfast hall. After our rice and tea we followed Maureen down another long white hall with a red floor into a room of cleaning supplies. There were four other women there and they just stared at us with bored faces as they picked up buckets and scrub buckets. We climbed into the long white prison van and drove along the road filled with vendors and stalls and out towards the bay. There were already hundreds of people working on displays of flowers and stages and our bridge was festooned with flowers on the wide, thick concrete railings. I looked at the sky for any sign of Ricky’s Nighthawk helicopter. Brenda was already on her knees next to Maureen scrubbing the platform that went down below the bridge. Maureen said, “This is the platform that lots of people prefer to float their krathongs from. They are like crowns made from flowers and banana plants and all kinds of things. Then at night, they float thousands of candles and send up millions of candles up in the air. I saw it November 1987, two days before I got busted.” I was slowly lowering myself down the wide steps on my tender knee when I heard it. The unmistakable sound of chopper wings. As it came over the bay I could see a sign on the side that said, “Best View Of Festival! $49.99!” I saw Bren look up and yelled at her, “Run! Quick! Up on the railing!” I raced up the step and ran to the middle of the bridge and jumped up and hoisted myself to the top of the railing with Brenda hot on my heels. The copter dipped and we both jumped for the landing skids and ...

Chapter Nine: Andaman White Beach Resort and Klong Prem Central Prison Thailand

I woke up to the sound of tropical birds and hefted my old bones so I could look out the open French Doors. What luck that the Andaman White Beach Resort had two huge beachfront suites available. I smelled coffee and could see someone creeping around on my patio. "Gretch, are you up yet?" Whispered Brenda. She peeked through the doorway. "Yes I am! Thanks for letting me sleep my usual sixteen hours." She pulled a cushioned, rattan chair over to the patio table and bit into a ripe guava. I smiled at her and pointed to a stack of brochures. "I have everything planned out. Here look at these brochures." I grabbed my coffee cup and splashed cream into it until it looked like tan pants. "First we eat all this fruit and cereal and take an hour massage, then we snorkel here for an hour and take an hour massage. next we take the Kensington elephant tour into the jungle and take an hour massage. Then we have lunch, a nap and take a one hour massage, followed by a tour to Phi Phi beach. After a one hour massage we are going to the Full Moon Bucket party over at the Ladyboy Cabaret Show." Brenda looked at me and smiled. "Um. Gretch, you haven't stayed awake past eight o'clock since 1999." I gulped down my coffee at breakneck speed. It scalded my throat just the way I liked it. "That's because I wasn't in Thailand silly! This is like the most awesome place ever! The people are so warm and friendly and I've never seen such white sand and clear water, even in the Bahamas!" Brenda jumped up, "I'm going next door to change. Meet ya in five minutes!" I chug-a-lugged my second mug of hot coffee, shoved a muffin in my mouth and went to find my swim dress. At seventy-five, a bikini was out of the question. After what was possibly the best day of my life, I changed into a short white cocktail dress. Luckily it had a built in bra for my old girls and a puffy blouse-top to hide my puffy tummy. The only parts of me not fat or saggy were my legs. I heard the knock on the door and Brenda was there. "Oh for crying out loud Gretch. You can't wear brown sandals with a white dress." I looked at my feet and didn't see a problem but I obediently went to my closet and put on my white leather flip flops with the fake white diamonds on the straps. "Better?" I asked. She nodded and we walked through the sculptured garden towards the front of the hotel. I said, "Do you think we should have told our husbands we were coming to Thailand? I did leave Alistair the hotel brochure in case of emergency." Brenda looked at me and did her googly eyes. "Are you kidding?! Thailand is completely safe. No need." As we entered the cabaret, the handsome young Thai man greeted us in flawless English. "Good Evening ladies and welcome to the Full Moon Bucket party." I shook his hand and introduced myself and said, "This is my best friend Brenda. Perhaps you have heard of her book, "Finding the Inner Miracle of You", (The Two Hundred and Fifty Steps to Reach Your Inner Kumbaya") His face lit up like a Christmas Tree, "I love that book! It fits with all our Buddhist teachings! My favorite step is #147, "How to reach self-care satisfaction through impeccable grooming" He led us to a front row table and I felt smug having such a famous friend. The lights lowered and the attractive singers and dancers came out on the stage. A large bucket with straws was placed in the middle of our table. "I hope they have some coconut water in thing." Brenda said. I sucked on my long straw and said, "Tastes like it has coconut and maybe even some mangoes and pineapple too!" My body ached and my head was pounding. Brenda was lying on the mat next to me. Another body was on the other side of me. I nudged Brenda awake and whispered, "Uh oh buddy. I don't like the looks of this." She sat up slowly, "Where are we?" The woman on the other side of me sat up. She looked at us with pity, "I can't believe you old ladies would be stupid enough to sell drugs in Thailand. You're going to die here in Klong Prem. They still use the firing squad for drug traffickers." I sat there confused as the door opened to our cell. A young guard in a uniform motioned for me to follow him. He led me down a long white hall with red floors into a small room where two older men in uniforms sat at a wooden table. They motioned for me to sit across from them. I sat down and looked at the top of the table. My quart-sized Hefty freezer bag of ground calcium caplets sat next to my bag containing my brown powdered cranberry caplets. This was not good. These were the first men in Thailand that did smile at me. The older man with flecks of gray in his hair said, "คุณนาย nixon ,ทำไมคุณมายังประเทศไทยเพื่อขายเฮ - โระอินและ hallucinogenic สิ่งเสพติดหรือไม่" Oh God. They didn't speak English. I had no idea what they said so I made a hand signal for a telephone. The younger guard took out his cell phone and handed it to me. I dialed home and could barely make out Terry's voice. The line was scratchy and I barely could hear him say, "Where are you Greta?" I screamed into the phone, "I'm in Phuket!" The line went dead.

Chapter Eight: The Longest Staircase in Scotland is at Taymouth Castle, Seriously

I followed Brenda into the entry hall and looked up with amazement. "Holy Smokes Bren! Look at that staircase." She walked to the bottom stair and looked up. "Yes, it's the longest staircase in Scotland. It goes up all four floors and is over one hundred feet to the top." I could barely make out the ceiling and my old bones were repelled by the thought of climbing it, but I admired it just the same, "Your own personal Hogwarts!" She turned and gave me a blank look. "What's that?" I just shook my head. Reading wasn't her strong suit. I peered in the other rooms and saw everything was covered and huge piles of carpets and lumber were stacked against the wall. "What are you doing with all this Brenda?" She walked to the edge of the mess and said, "The remodel starts Monday for the retreat center. Well, not really remodel but more restoration work. That's why I want to go to Thailand. I don't even want you to see your room until it is finished. Let's pop down to Kenmore village and stay at the Inn and fly out to Thailand tomorrow. Director Higgins told us to take a vacay. "You're right. We've got five good years left to skulk around your castle but we've been talking about going to Thailand since 2005 when you lived in Hawaii. I'll make the arrangements."

Chapter Seven: Taymouth Castle, Hotel/Secret Service Headquarters

I looked at her with astonishment, "You just got a castle and you want to go to Thailand?!" She looked at me and replied, "I'll show ya around, but it's cold here in November and I want to warm up." I looked at her with my sad face and sad, "You know, I still feel bad about Botswana. I've been dying to go there since I read Alexander McCall-Smith's series, The First Ladies Detective Agency, in 2005, and I didn't even get to shop or visit my friends there I met online or enjoy the Okavango Delta. I hate the fact I was there and held hostage by Mr. WOW. Being kidnapped stinks." Brenda took my hand, "I know. I hate it when that happens." The float-plane came to a stop and Nicky, Micky, Ricky, and Kimo hopped out and grabbed our gear. The long black limousine looked out of place at the end of the tiny dock of Kenmore Scotland. "Hey Gretch, you'll love this, look." I looked past her and up close I could see the top of the limo was covered in sleek form-fitting solar panels. Kimo held the back door for me and then piled in with his brothers. As we slowly pulled out I could hear heavy breathing. Brenda started laughing, "It's a giant pedal car! 100% environmentally correct." Sure enough, when I looked over the last seat, I could see the huge Samoans pedaling like crazy to get the car up the hill. "That was pretty smart of Lord and Franklin Automobiles to retrofit all the cars and SUVS as pedal cars but I guess when gas hit $20.00 a gallon in 2015 they didn't have much choice. But I didn't know they retrofitted limos too!" I said. Brenda looked at the cute shop windows as we went by. "And what about when President Washington gave everyone that got fixed a thousand dollars each back in 2016? Our population stabilized in a heartbeat and when she made guns illegal everyone felt safe enough to go walk around again." I nodded my head in agreement, "Yes, but when she ended the space program and had the NASA team work on solar and wind power, it cut everyone's taxes in half. I think that was what made her most popular. Plus, did you ever think we'd see a woman president in our lifetime? Especially a black woman?" Brenda looked at me and smiled, "No, but I'm glad we did. Now that we are down to our last five years on the planet I won't feel so bad when we check out." I didn't hear what she had said because the huge Taymouth castle had come into view and I was in a total frenzy to explore it. I began bouncing up and down in my seat and Brenny's crew looked back at me with amusement. "Look!" I shouted as the deer placidly ate the grass on what looked like a golf course. "You have deer in your front yard! How can people play golf?" She looked out her side window and said, "Golf is so bor-ing. I took that out and made the golf cart road a bike path. The paving crew will be in next week to install the roller skate path next to it. Do you think I need a moat?" I shook my head, "The Secret Service will never pick up that tab Brenny and you know it!" She just laughed, "They don't have to. My book, Two Hundred and Fifty Steps to Reach Your Inner Kumbaya is in it's seventeenth printing. I'm having the castle remodeled next week for a RIK250 conference center. People from all over the world want to reach their inner kumbaya Gretch. Especially the baby boomers like us that want to hedge their bets besides Jesus." I shook my head, "Man, when you learned how to keep secrets you didn't mess around! I'm so proud of you." The limo stopped and I ran up the stairs to find a tuxedoed butler with a tolerant smile greeting me. "Mrs. Nixon, I presume?" He said with an English accent. Brenda bounded up next to me. "This is Alistair. He came over from London to run the house. Nice huh?" I looked up at the older gentleman and smiled, "Yes, I'm Mrs. Nixon. Nice to meet you."

Chapter Six: Brenda's Scottish Castle

The sound of dull thunder made me look up and I could see it was a sleek, black float plane making all that racket, not the weather. The sign on the side read VISIT Taymouth Castle! The smaller letters read: Kenmore Scotland Air. Brenda jumped up and shouted, "There's our ride!" Molly and Brendan rose and walked us up to the castle and waited in the foyer as we grabbed our backpacks. "Thanks for everything Molly." I said as I hugged my lifelong friend. I shook Brendan's hand and said, "See you again soon." Brenda said her good-byes and we walked down to the castle lake and were greeted by five giant uniformed Samoans, lined up shoulder to shoulder. They looked huge in their tight white polo shirts and navy shorts. Rippling muscles all over the place. "Hey Gretch, meet my private staff." My eyebrows receded into my scalp in surprise as she went on, "This is Nicky, Ricky, Micky, Tavita and Kimo." I shook hands with them and while they began loading our luggage below I admired their fine straight teeth and wavy black hair. Nicky and Ricky climbed into the cockpit of the ten seater and started the engine. Behind a bulkhead wall, Brenda and I sank into the buttery leather brown armchairs with Mikey, Tavita in the rows behind us. Kimo pulled the door shut and we taxied down the lake for lift-off. "What the heck?!" As I looked out the window I could see Molly in her white dress waving at us from the front steps of Dromoland Castle. Brenda just laughed, "The secret service told me I could hired whatever agents I wanted so I picked out Samoans. What, you don't like Samoans?" I peeked around the bulkhead at Nicky and Ricky. "Of course I like Samoans. Who doesn't? But why did they give you a staff and not me?" I said with a touch of puny jealousy in my voice. "Think about it Gretch, you are always getting into trouble, but the secret service wants to to travel solo to keep a low profile. As your back up team coordinator, they pretty much give me free reign along with my government VISA card. When they made me pick five team members out of a pool of one hundred agents, I decided that brothers would be fun. They are two years apart in age and Nicky is the oldest at thirty. They are smart, strong and loyal, plus they look good in the castle uniforms." I pinched my forearm to make sure I wasn't dreaming. This job kept getting better and better! "Wait, what castle?" I looked at her big smile. "You know how the service thought my cover of being a woo woo yogi leader in Sedona was a perfect cover? I got a registered letter last year that said I was the last living descendant of Sir Colin Campbell of Glenorchy and I inherited Taymouth castle. Remember how my grandmother was adopted and we could never find out her history? Well, when the last Campbell died, they found me. You'll love it. I knew when the mail was postmarked Kenmore Scotland that it was a sign. After all those years of studying The Course in Miracles, I got one. A miracle." She turned to look at the green land below us. "Wait, what?! You inherited a castle?! Don't tell me you didn't tell me!" I felt outrage at this deception by my best friend. Plus I wondered how much a float plane cost and if her secret service credit line was higher than mine. "Oh calm down, Gretch. You're the one that taught me how to keep secrets. The secret service was thrilled because Brendan O'Brien has been charging them an arm and a leg for rent on our headquarters over in Ireland." I looked out the window and could see white rocks arranged on a green hillside saying, "Welcome to Kenmore." I said, "I'm sorry I'm such a pill Brenny. Thanks again for saving my life in Botswana." She chuckled at me and replied, "Castle smastle, let's head to Thailand for vacay."

Chapter Five: The Irish Dungeon

Despite our brilliant idea to use only one flashlight at a time after the light bulb had burned out, darkness was coming. I could no longer walk the floor looking for a way to escape and now I knew the images would come to haunt me. Snakes, rats, zombies. "Brenda, sit back to back on this rack table with me." Her flashlight began to flicker and she climbed up and provided a warm but bony backrest. "You starting to get scared Gretch?" She said. We'd been been best friends for sixty years. She knew I was afraid of the dark, snakes, rats and zombies. Not to mention my claustrophobia. "Yeah, you know I am." Darkness. My breathing became labored as all my phobias kicked in. "How about a few show tunes Brenny? God knows when Molly will notice us missing, especially if she has a few drinks." Brenny started singing show tunes. She knew my childhood favorites and I was always amazed she could remember the words from Carousel, Sound of Music, Porgy and Bess plus all cheery Mary Poppins songs. After an hour she stopped singing and said, "Too bad you don't have your ham radio with you." My mind popped open. Why didn't I think of it sooner! "Oh my God Brenda! You're a genius! Now just hop down take a brick and pound out the Morse code. There has to be someone that will here it." I could feel her hop down and hear her rummaging for a brick. God she was brave. I could imagine the rats crawling over her feet in my mind. "Okay, now just walk to the outer wall where the sound will reverberate and whack it hard three times, then scrape it three times and then whack it three more times. She did as I asked over and over for a half hour. "My arms are tired Gretch, I need a break." She climbed back up and we rested back-to-back. We had been sound asleep for an hour when the loud creaking of the door woke us up. "What the hell?! There you are! I swear to God you two haven't changed in fifty years!" Molly was holding a huge flashlight and swaying a little and Brendan, her handsome sixty year old husband came over and gallantly helped us off the rack to the floor. "I thought you had gone into the village to shop but when you didn't come back I had all the staff looking for you. I fell asleep and Brendan said he heard a tapping noise and it occurred to me as nosy as you two are you might come look at the dungeon. Come on, it's five AM, you probably want a shower and some sleep." I followed the flashlight out the door where the blessed electric lights lit the staircase up like a tavern. "Thank God you heard us Brendan. I really appreciate you finding us. It wasn't as bad as hanging from the ski-lift in Telluride for four days in 2012, but it was getting close. After a nice shower and nap we joined Molly and Brendan for lunch back out on the patio. I looked at Molly's handsome young husband who at sixty still sported a full head of fluffy white hair. She always did know how to pick them. "Tell me about yourself Brendan,and don't leave anything out." He smiled and sipped his Chardonny and began, "I was born and raised in the village and went to Oxford business school for a degree in hotel management and came back to manage the castle. When Global Rest started buying up UNESCO historic sites in 2015, they bough the castle and when they found out I was a descendant of the original O'Briens, they wanted to keep me on as manager. It seemed odd that Global West wanted to keep one tower for use of ISLA members only, but they were adamant about it so only your members can get in. My wife died five years ago and when Molly came last month to work for me that was it. She is the most refreshing person I ever met. She is beautiful, funny, brutally honest and she sports that adorable American." Molly blushed as he leaned over and spoon-fed her a chocolate covered strawberry. Brenda winked at me and said, "Well, this is lovely place but we do need to get going. I want to show Gretch my new place in..."