Chapter Nine: Andaman White Beach Resort and Klong Prem Central Prison Thailand

I woke up to the sound of tropical birds and hefted my old bones so I could look out the open French Doors. What luck that the Andaman White Beach Resort had two huge beachfront suites available. I smelled coffee and could see someone creeping around on my patio. "Gretch, are you up yet?" Whispered Brenda. She peeked through the doorway. "Yes I am! Thanks for letting me sleep my usual sixteen hours." She pulled a cushioned, rattan chair over to the patio table and bit into a ripe guava. I smiled at her and pointed to a stack of brochures. "I have everything planned out. Here look at these brochures." I grabbed my coffee cup and splashed cream into it until it looked like tan pants. "First we eat all this fruit and cereal and take an hour massage, then we snorkel here for an hour and take an hour massage. next we take the Kensington elephant tour into the jungle and take an hour massage. Then we have lunch, a nap and take a one hour massage, followed by a tour to Phi Phi beach. After a one hour massage we are going to the Full Moon Bucket party over at the Ladyboy Cabaret Show." Brenda looked at me and smiled. "Um. Gretch, you haven't stayed awake past eight o'clock since 1999." I gulped down my coffee at breakneck speed. It scalded my throat just the way I liked it. "That's because I wasn't in Thailand silly! This is like the most awesome place ever! The people are so warm and friendly and I've never seen such white sand and clear water, even in the Bahamas!" Brenda jumped up, "I'm going next door to change. Meet ya in five minutes!" I chug-a-lugged my second mug of hot coffee, shoved a muffin in my mouth and went to find my swim dress. At seventy-five, a bikini was out of the question. After what was possibly the best day of my life, I changed into a short white cocktail dress. Luckily it had a built in bra for my old girls and a puffy blouse-top to hide my puffy tummy. The only parts of me not fat or saggy were my legs. I heard the knock on the door and Brenda was there. "Oh for crying out loud Gretch. You can't wear brown sandals with a white dress." I looked at my feet and didn't see a problem but I obediently went to my closet and put on my white leather flip flops with the fake white diamonds on the straps. "Better?" I asked. She nodded and we walked through the sculptured garden towards the front of the hotel. I said, "Do you think we should have told our husbands we were coming to Thailand? I did leave Alistair the hotel brochure in case of emergency." Brenda looked at me and did her googly eyes. "Are you kidding?! Thailand is completely safe. No need." As we entered the cabaret, the handsome young Thai man greeted us in flawless English. "Good Evening ladies and welcome to the Full Moon Bucket party." I shook his hand and introduced myself and said, "This is my best friend Brenda. Perhaps you have heard of her book, "Finding the Inner Miracle of You", (The Two Hundred and Fifty Steps to Reach Your Inner Kumbaya") His face lit up like a Christmas Tree, "I love that book! It fits with all our Buddhist teachings! My favorite step is #147, "How to reach self-care satisfaction through impeccable grooming" He led us to a front row table and I felt smug having such a famous friend. The lights lowered and the attractive singers and dancers came out on the stage. A large bucket with straws was placed in the middle of our table. "I hope they have some coconut water in thing." Brenda said. I sucked on my long straw and said, "Tastes like it has coconut and maybe even some mangoes and pineapple too!" My body ached and my head was pounding. Brenda was lying on the mat next to me. Another body was on the other side of me. I nudged Brenda awake and whispered, "Uh oh buddy. I don't like the looks of this." She sat up slowly, "Where are we?" The woman on the other side of me sat up. She looked at us with pity, "I can't believe you old ladies would be stupid enough to sell drugs in Thailand. You're going to die here in Klong Prem. They still use the firing squad for drug traffickers." I sat there confused as the door opened to our cell. A young guard in a uniform motioned for me to follow him. He led me down a long white hall with red floors into a small room where two older men in uniforms sat at a wooden table. They motioned for me to sit across from them. I sat down and looked at the top of the table. My quart-sized Hefty freezer bag of ground calcium caplets sat next to my bag containing my brown powdered cranberry caplets. This was not good. These were the first men in Thailand that did smile at me. The older man with flecks of gray in his hair said, "คุณนาย nixon ,ทำไมคุณมายังประเทศไทยเพื่อขายเฮ - โระอินและ hallucinogenic สิ่งเสพติดหรือไม่" Oh God. They didn't speak English. I had no idea what they said so I made a hand signal for a telephone. The younger guard took out his cell phone and handed it to me. I dialed home and could barely make out Terry's voice. The line was scratchy and I barely could hear him say, "Where are you Greta?" I screamed into the phone, "I'm in Phuket!" The line went dead.